Turning “Uh‑Oh!” Moments into “A‑Ha!” Moments
If you’ve ever found yourself negotiating with a toddler over snacks or giving in just to get a moment of peace, you’re not alone. Many parents face situations where their child’s challenging behavior seems to “work.” For example, whining might lead to candy, refusal delays bedtime, or a tantrum ends with tablet time. It’s not about “bad parenting.” Instead, it’s about understanding why these behaviours happen—and how we can respond differently.
In ABA (Applied Behaviour Analysis), we call this socially mediated reinforcement—when a child’s behaviour is reinforced (or strengthened) by the way another person responds. Simply put, the child learns, “When I do this, I get something from you—attention, access, or even just a delay.”
So, Why Does the Behaviour Keep Happening?
Children are smart and quickly notice patterns. If yelling or crying gets them what they want—or helps them avoid what they don’t—they are likely to try it again. It’s not because they’re manipulative; it’s because it works. The goal in ABA is to help parents shift this cycle by reinforcing the behaviours we want to see instead.
What Can Parents Do? Four Steps to Get Ahead of the Behaviour
- Start Noticing Patterns
Keep track of what happens before and after the behaviour. Often, there’s a consistent trigger and payoff. Recognizing the pattern is the first step to changing it. - Pause Before Responding
It can be tough at the moment, but taking just a few seconds before reacting gives you space to respond intentionally, rather than reactively. - Reinforce the behaviour You Want to See
The more we acknowledge and reward calm, patient, or respectful behaviour, the more likely we are to see it again. Even a quick, “Thanks for waiting so nicely,” goes a long way. - Plan for Pushback
When a behaviour stops working (because we stop reinforcing it), it might get worse before it gets better. This is called an extinction burst, and it’s totally normal. Stay consistent, and you’ll see progress.
Helpful Tools for Managing Behaviour at Home
- First–Then Language or Visuals: Clear statements like “First clean-up, then outside” help kids understand expectations. Visual supports can make this even clearer.
- Token Systems: Small rewards like stickers or tokens encourage positive behaviour and reduce the need for constant reminders.
- Calm-Down Choices: Offer options such as taking a break, using a fidget toy, or asking for help. Teaching kids how to express needs appropriately is key.
When to Ask for Support
If the behaviour feels overwhelming or unsafe, or if it’s happening frequently and you’re not sure how to respond, reach out. A behaviour analyst can help identify what’s maintaining the behaviour and build a plan that’s clear, consistent, and doable at home.
The Takeaway
Most challenging behaviours aren’t random—they serve a purpose. When we learn to spot what’s reinforcing them and respond in new ways, we give kids the tools they need to communicate more effectively. It’s not about being perfect—it’s about being consistent, intentional, and supported along the way.
Every tricky moment is a teaching opportunity in disguise—and with the right tools, those moments become a little less frustrating and a lot more manageable.
